I'm sitting here with my head so full of just muck! I need to be busy. But, I’m not. Remember #busyismytherapy? I need to be writing. I love to write. I can't finish a song. I need to be reading more. I love to read. I can't finish a sentence. Even a paragraph looks like a long book to me. So, exercise. Too tired from lack of sleep. So, walk. I live in Las Vegas! Unmercifully, HOT! But, I will walk. It’s the least I can do…for me. I don't mean to be a Danny-Downer, but that's how I feel. And because of the ‘mess’ (the virus), I can't go anywhere. I can't even go on vacation from this! This isn't living. This isn’t life.
I don't mean to sound selfish, because I know the mess affects us all. ALL of us, worldwide.
The reason for this writing today, is to admit that this situation is not okay… that I personally am NOT good. That I, in fact, am struggling with it. And for now, right now my goal is be okay with not being okay. And, that's okay.
Needless to say, this is definitely not where we want to be. Just a few short months ago, the community was working, gigging, making our living. In our wildest dreams we didn’t expect to be here. No one expected this. NO ONE! But, again, here we are!
A few months ago, I read a very poignant and passionate post from a vocalist friend of mine, Tymara Walker (excellent vocalist, I might add). She writes in part:
“I am usually the life of the party. I know this. But I'm not going to keep it inside, this quarantine/shut down of my industry/loss of ability to do the ONE thing i love so much (performing/singing) has gotten me quiet. I just scroll through and read the latest on everybody's life and just go back to typing or playing candy crush. I'm a planner. And having no plan has lowkey taken its toll... All these singing challenges and streaming concerts and I haven't taken advantage of NOT one... smh.. I'm trying to get better but everybody processes in different ways. This is how I know something isn't right with me. I NEVER stop singing. Yet here I am....I'm just trying to get my mental back where it was… I just need to get my mind back right. That's all that matters. So at some point TODAY I'm making an effort TODAY to at least make one video. It's a lot harder than I thought. I have reasons beyond reasons beyond reasons. I'm going to type up this hearing and keep fighting with myself. I have to get Tymara back."
This so struck me, because I immediately identified with it. I, too was highly upset at the beginning of this whole thing. I had just gotten home from a rehearsal for an upcoming gig at the annual South by Southwest event in Austin, Texas. I turned on the TV and there it was. Breaking news. Cancelled. And, that was only the beginning.
Then, comes the term ‘social distance'. What?? What IS that?? That already doesn't sound right. It doesn’t sound friendly. My opinion only: There’s something inherently wrong with just the term ‘social distance’! Please don't misunderstand. I agree with the concept, no question. Shelter in. Mask when out. Wash hands. No crowds. I get it. I’m there. Just the words I can't wrap my mind around. Two words with entirely different meanings naturally don’t agree. SOCIAL = ‘involving allies, the interaction of the individual and the group.’ Human beings by simple definition are social. DISTANCE = ‘make someone or something far off or remote position or nature.’ ‘Social distancing’? By definition, I think not. I knew from the outset I would have a major problem with this new concept. I (as I am sure most are) am a hugger. I remember a time when one could not escape my Grandma (or anyone in my family) without a hug. And that was both arriving AND departing.
So, here we are, this country, this world is literally on hold. We’re at a stand still. STOP! HALT! DETENER! ARRETEZ! STOP!! This situation we find ourselves in is not how we’re made.
So, what are we to do? Nowhere to run. Nowhere to hide. No job to go to. Businesses are closed (again). Restaurants are closed (again). Parks are closed. Places of worship are closed. And the list goes on. Even money is no good when you think about it. There is no where to spend it!!
Kudos to all those who are managing to stay positive through all this. Power to you all. And if you’re among those like me that are struggling, kudos and more power to you, too. Tymara so truthfully stated, we all process in different ways. I, personally, am all over the place. One minute, I’m good. The next hour, I’m not. But, I'm learning to roll with it. Either way, good …… or bad, I’m okay. WE are okay. And regardless, I … we will continue to be okay. And, that's okay.
So, I thought I'd try a full beard while waiting. A hair grow-out. Gone now, but hey… I loved it!
